To live is to be at war and so every morning, the first step to a productive and rewarding day is to do battle with yourself. On the drive to work, begin the propaganda: today, no memes, you sit down at your desk early and get shit done and later, alcohol! But it is also a good idea to remind yourself that even the best general suffers a defeat and the first half hour spent looking for a good reaction pic is what the warmongers refer to as a tactical retreat.
Learn sick fidget spinner trick for the next half hour.
Well, seven hours to go.
Better check again. Yep, still seven hours. Fuck.
Briefly debate whether to have Zooper Dooper now, instead of at the regular hour. Instead, print reaction meme of Frozen princesses and their viewpoint on penis size and stick up in another team’s work area.
Finally, people arriving into work. While not overjoyed that there are now people filling the empty office, still overjoyed that the empty and pointless platitudes thrown at each other are using up valuable time spent not-drinking. “Yes, it is early, how astute”, “Oh god yes, morning coffee, amirite!”.
Listen intently as catholic Indian lady from bookkeeping begins story with, “Husband kept me up late, now I have a sore back” but then doesn’t relate a sexual mishap, so lose interest, but then says it was because she was cooking curry, so interest back, but hasn’t brought any curry or the rumballs she promised, so devastated. Fucking rollercoaster of a conversation.
Look suitably appalled when people notice a Disney picture hanging in the audit team area. Begin a debate on whether it is more appropriate for Anna to be the shocked one rather than Elsa, because you know, Elsa always seemed more cock hungry. Reiterate again how disgusted you are and how this is inappropriate in the office. Suggest HR be alerted.
Look for and find the work intranet and yes, there are HR templates. Begin to complete a harassment complaint about the picture but notice we have a job opening for a Graduate Accountant so start an application for that instead. Two things at once! Feel mentally drained.
Lean back and tell person in next desk how overworked we are. He agrees and then spend 15 minutes complaining about the management not providing us with the staff we need, which of course is a reminder so tell him you need to get back to “it”. “It” or course being the graduate application for the vacant position in his team.
Finish job application and celebrate hard work with a Zooper Dooper. Be absolutely amazed they have a ‘Jaffa’ flavour and further amazed that the flavour is on target and pretty good. Setup up reminder in Calendar to write them something nice, too busy right now.
Like a steam-roller now, more work-cyborg than man, open client file and begin reviewing work prepared by outsourced team. Lose interest in continuing work in this profession and shortly after, life, because it seems to be submitted by accident, as if someone vomited onto a spreadsheet, the bile and half-digested food metaphysically manifesting into an excel file and then, probably through achieving sentience, sending an email saying it is ready for review.
Be pissy and ask catholic Indian colleague to ring up her cousins or whatever relatives they must be in Outsource team and call them useless fucks. Call her racist when she refers to “white-man” problems and remind her about missing rumballs and the almost palpable taste of betrayal.
Find solace in iced coffee and chocolate éclair from over the road. While eating, remind colleague what a rough day it is.
Create pact with former personal assistant (who was shifted to corporate team, because reasons) to follow a meme and replace all instances where you want to say “fuck you” with “OK, great!”.
Be asked by the GM to write up a general feedback/review of outsource team. Tell GM that this is likely going to take a few hours because there needs to be an angry version and a sanitised version. GM doesn’t have half an hour to debate the point so leaves you to be you. Draft feedback confirming the current procedure has left us as emotionless husks; empty vessels circled by shrieking ghosts and hyperbole.
Have spirited discussion with other manager on feedback provided about Outsource team. Find out other teams do things differently, or to be phrased more appropriately, they are wrong.
Due to being swamped with just, everything, have late lunch of zucchini slice made gluggy with gluten free flour. Find out from google whether gluten free anything is a war crime.
Research how to have something declared a war crime.
Home time. Celebrate hectic day of intensive whatever it was by drinking and dying on the inside, just a little bit more.
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I stared too long.
It burns.
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