TGIF: Passionate Anger and Software

I have a background in IT and a solid education in software development and while my experience walked me down a different path, I still have a keen eye for issues occurring in the ICT world. This is of course resume bullthwot for I might have connected some computers once and my degree suggests I turned up to at least some of the software engineering classes. I suppose what I am saying is I have enough knowledge to be dangerous but not enough to be overly useful or actually, you know, knowledgeable.

I have been using the same software for many years and while I don’t feel the need to name that brand I do feel the need to expand on why at times, literally smearing my monitor in shit seems like a more efficient use of my time than using their products. While they started with a flagship offering

Thanks. Now touch your toes.

over fifteen years ago, they have since either developed, bought or imagined a huge range of business solutions. This is normal as any type of software house needs a range of products and the smartest of them find ways to bring you a one-stop-shop offering. This is because the cost to adopt is huge but so is the cost to change. They know that once installed there is a very high probability that the business will never change that software. It’s brilliant really, they can drop service, support and artfully ignore bugs and smile at you cheerfully as you hand them fistfuls of cash while crying. In fact, your tears are a fundamental part of their commercial operation.

This is where I come in. As I said, I view my limited knowledge as powerful while they view it as dangerous. Though I’m not saying they wish I would shut up because they simply don’t care what we think of their product. Changing becomes a costly and logistical nightmare. They know that, and as much as I hate their dark soulless hearts I kind of admire their shitty magnificence. So, as I said, I’m disgruntled by the company providing the software but also by the drones in every firm I have been in who continue to eat grass and passively accept. As an analogy, imagine asking someone if you can shove a pineapple up their arse. They will probably decline, no matter the situation. Ask them the same question but with something smaller, like a pear, but if they decline they now must actively contribute in creating a world where shoving fruit up your arse isn’t a thing. That person is busy, that person doesn’t care and so they shrug and take the pear suppository rather than doing anything.

You are tired when Pascal says

you are tired.

I’m tired of having fruit shoved up my arse and so should you. At no reasonable time should this be something that is done and at no reasonable time should we accept that our very expensive software has an excessive number of bugs, glitches or works in ways that downright hinder productivity. And then this happened, I needed to contact their support because, of course, their poor software was again doing something stupid. As an aside, this is pretty much how I talk to everyone on the phone (irrelevance coupled with dad jokes):

Support: What is your client number?

Me: <Provides number ignoring the fact I had already typed that into the phone like 20 seconds ago>

Support: We ar-

Me (interrupting): I know, your system says my firm is named something else but if you click your buttons a few times you will see a different firm name, right?

Support: Oh, I’ve found it now.

Me: Greeeeeat. You know I have this same conversation each time I call. Considering literally nothing I have ever called about has ever been resolv-

Support (interrupting): I can see that in the log here, they were all known issues.

Me: Right, right, as I said, unresolved. Could you please throw me a bone and just fix up our firm name in your system? I need something. You owe me this.

Support: Only your client relationship manager can do that.

Me: ….the Lord giveths..

Support: Pardon?

Me: Nothing.

Support: How can I help you?

Me: <Provides problem>

Support: Have you checked our support forums for the solution?

Me: Yes. The solution was incomprehensible. I’m pretty sure your web support manager is a water fowl of some kind.

Support: OK. Cou-

Me: Maybe a Pelican.

Support: -uld I please have team viewer access?

Me: Roger that, you have the conn!

Support: Pardon?

Me: Nothing.

Support: <Clicking around my screen in areas unrelated to my query>

Support: Please hold. <hold music>

Support: Sir, this is a known issue and the only way is to use a workaround.

Me: …there is no God.

Support: Pardon?

Except this one. He knows shit.

Probably the worst thing about this whole dirty situation, and I do feel dirty by using their products, is how they handle every aspect. You show them a productivity issue, they smile vacantly and blame the user. They come up with a new feature and then expect us to adopt it, the reality of the cost involved in time and effort be damned, yet they tell us they are listening to our needs. They honestly seem surprised when I told them once I couldn’t offer a particular solution of theirs to a client because it was god awful. They smiled indulgently and I gave the patronising fuckwits the objective reasons for this judgement but they in turn fell back on the ‘other accountants are happy with it’ defence. You know what, most accountants are useless clowns who can barely understand how to turn a computer on. A solid endorsement from some clueless sheep with a pear up their arse isn’t particularly useful for me.

Breaking news just in: An open support ticket of mine, which basically means they couldn’t fix something quickly, has just now been closed. Without them fixing the problem. I imagine someone there put down the phone and immediately hid under the desk. Then for the next two weeks kept popping their head up, noticing we were still asking for a solution and then ducking back down again. Now I hadn’t asked for an update for a few days and so they breathed a sigh of relief and closed the issue. Without talking to us. To repeat again, without fixing the fucking problem.

God damn it, MYOB is the company. MYOB is the useless moronic juggernaut that I hear being advertised on the radio as a bright and shining example of business prowess. The reality is that their products lack vision, they lack competitive edge, they definitely lack decent developers and they obviously lack leadership at every level right to the top.

Obviously at some point this rational argument turned into a subjective gripe and the anal fortitude of some may have been metaphorically tested. I never thought I was passionate about anything but as it turns out, I kind of demand a level of design competence and accountability in my software vendors. It is this very passion that forces me to emote in ways I generally would not. Should I apologise for that? Maybe.

But I won’t.

• Tweet
• Like It
• Google +