Hacking

Hacks at home

• When quietly smoking a jay at home, your wife will invariably ask if that was marijuana. Tell her no, it’s just a cigarette. BAM - life hack!
• Made too much cookie dough for the amount of trays you have? Eat the cookie dough from the bowl. BAM – life hack!

• 

  Thank you, Captain Sulu

  from Star Trek.

  Is it too far to the kitchen to find a glass? Take a gulp from a can of soft drink to make room and then pour your choice of spirit directly into the can. Pre-mix for half the price! BAM – life hack!
• Want to go camping but there is rain expected over the weekend? No issues - drape all the sheets and blankets from the linen cupboard over the lounges and you have your own camping area in front of the TV (It also doubles as a fort but you will need to protect it from jealous womenfolk who inexplicably seek to destroy your grand work). BAM - life hack!

Hacks in the workplace

• Always running out of staples? Think the walk to the stationary cupboard is too far and possibly constitutes a war crime? Next time take four seven twelve boxes and store then at your desk. BAM – work hack!
• Someone pissing you off at work? Like for example their very existence insults you in ways you can barely comprehend? Take the scissors from the binding area and put them in that persons desk drawer. The admin ladies will hunt her down and gut her like a trout. BAM – work hack!

• 

  I'm working here, Gladys.

  Learn to knock.

  Your employer has just asked if you have finished something you haven’t even started yet? Just tell him, yes. BAM – work hack!
• An afternoon nap is often hard with all the distractions at work. Try having a large hot lunch and then chase that with seven bourbons, you’ll be asleep in no time. BAM – work hack!
• Crippling anxiety or the unreasoning desire to leave this place of misery? Spend an hour in the bathroom masturbating. BAM – work hack!

This is an abridged list because I started drinking and then wasted four hours looking at memes while my wife went to look at the graves of relatives and visit someone in a nursing home.

Stay in school, kids.

Christ, meme.

Where were you 15 years ago?

Read More

Pokemon Go!

Pokemon Go is a thing. A thing I’ve only recently become aware of. I originally wondered if I was out of touch, if somehow my iconic status as cultural beacon had been passed onto the next generation. But no, it’s the world and as it turns out everyone else but me is the problem. This is pretty much the conclusion I reach whenever I feel especially lonely up on my pedestal.

What Pokemon Go actually is or does is far from relevant though. Let’s be clear, whatever shit you are into is fine with me – watching sport, not watching sport, TV, car racing, horses that aren’t glue, the world is an awesome tapestry of stuff and pornography. What has drawn me to this whole phenomenon (*) is the sheer amount of vitriol that has come spewing out against it. People are arguing, countering with valid but nonetheless stupid points and then cycling, memeing and facebooking. I love this.

Every time you believe an inane activity is so bad that others need to hear your negative feelings on it just assume my spirit is right there too. Sharing your pointless and misdirected hatred. Basking in the sheer humanity of the moment because we were absolutely put on this world to point out this stuff to others. I’m like that fringe element that you despise and really hate when I’m on your side about anything because that could mean that possibly (no, likely) your stance is wrong. And because it is misguided, stupid and wrong it makes it so much more delicious.

(*) There are certain words what are so fucking annoying to type that I just mash the keyboard and let spellcheck sort it out. For realsies, I have gotten so good at it that I can’t even spell these words anymore unassisted. This is probably how Skynet started.

Read More