TGIF: Savings plan

I used to write up a stirring TGIF post each and every Friday morning. This was back when turning up to work was an exciting adventure but nowadays I need some time in the work parking lot, mentally psyching myself to walk the 20 metres to my desk. Then after an hour of checking email, a solid 15 minutes in the bathroom sobbing quietly. Obviously I’m grossly over exaggerating. It’s more like seven minutes.

Don't judge us, Applejack.

My wife, who has some kind of sixth sense about the state of my mental health, texted me a picture. So TGIF today is courtesy of my wife’s bare chest. Future instalments I hope to dedicate to various other parts of her anatomy.

If anyone was looking for a reason not to have children (despite the general shit show that sometimes is) then I recommend you think long and hard about all the little costs that will be necessary over the next two decades. I was told the same thing by other parents before I began my journey but my focus was always on the immediate (getting lots of sweet tail) and not on a future possibility. You will probably be the same, ignoring all the warnings and if that is the case then here are a few little things you need to do to save your bank balance along your own journey. Anyone being charitable could refer to it as “a guide to prudent parenting”. Others may not be as charitable.

Friends

Uncanny.

My wife used to comment that she would never let her children grow up as social outcasts, sitting in front of a computer and not playing sports or going outside. Although when she eventually became lonely, up on her fucking pedestal, she deigned to look down and notice me staring, shocked at her mean but largely accurate comparison of my life up until this point. What she didn’t take into consideration was all the monetary pain that comes along with raising a child who was willing to integrate in society.

Integration means a social network (i.e. friendship) and this network creates points of comparison and the desire to connect those points. Connections almost always mean spending money and because your children don’t have jobs, any costs of integration will come directly from your back pocket. An outcast isn’t blind to these points of reference but finds them baseless and doesn’t have the intense need to make those same connections. You cannot listen to your partner and view this as a negative trait, instead view this as a long term saving plan.

Imagine a daughter who is more interested in levelling a character on one of the numerous Asian MMORPGs out there than on keeping up with her social group. Sure, she isn’t going to learn about strong female role models by wearing armour I would refer more to as Brazillian than medieval but she will learn about situational awareness, maths, appropriateness of variables and the many ways people will swear at you for making even minor mistakes. You should note of course all these are valuable life skills but more importantly, free. On the other hand a socially adjusted daughter will want continual updates in clothes, toys and technology that you are woefully inadequate to understand. You should note of course all those things are not free or important.

Now imagine a son, reading on the net, living through Youtube videos and then t-bagging someone on Battlefield. He can be Luke Skywalker in Battlefront or some bearded midget in Dragonage. I’m

Pictured: Pokémon.

not sure of any practical or ongoing benefits but these things are all fun. Don’t make the mistake of linking any of this to a nerd culture though. Nerd culture is still a social network and while they don’t have to keep up with fashion, they will want to upgrade all their manuals because Wizards of the Coast came out with a new ruleset. Hobbies by any nature are not free and you should steer them clear of anything that requires continual updates and definitely stay clear of anything that needs to be played with other people. I’m specifically talking about pokemon.

Extra-curricular activities

My wife lives vicariously through the extra-curricular activities of her children. The boy is forced to play soccer and the girl grudgingly attends dancing lessons. This is because we made the mistake of providing an environment for the children to make friends, to establish social networks and now they are making connections. The exact things I warned against in the paragraphs above. It’s almost as if I was put on this earth to make these mistakes to save you the cost later; my only reason for being is to do everything wrong, and it kind of makes me feel better knowing while I may be an incalculable screwup, the universe wanted it this way.

The problem with soccer is that it requires an immense amount of subscription cost and ongoing gear. Also, the time I spend attending training and games I would have spent in profit making activities (Concession: I probably wouldn’t have). You know what isn’t so expensive? FIFA 2017 (or any version). This costs me $40 per year and the boy happily clicks away at the game for hours and hours.

I'm allowed to have an opinion,

Mrs Walsh!

And dancing. Well even thinking about it right now, I want to pick up my chair and throw it through a window. The whole setup of these dance schools is like a Amway marketing venture, every fucking thing is about upselling. More lessons, more gear, more time spent. Initially the girl began ballet really young but due to the covert pressure from the social dance network, the overt pressure from the school and the pressure from her mother to vicarious live and something probably starting and ending with cocaine – look at how upset I am, can’t even coherently finish a sentence.

Let’s just say that one dance class leads to two dance classes, then another, then a fucking fourth and then, purely because of narcissism they ask you to join the eisteddfod team. I still don’t know how much one of their classes costs but I assure you each year, between the classes, between the costumes and between all the other crap you need to buy, this thing will run you into the thousands. Don’t kid yourself, there is no such thing as taking a single class. Dance lessons? Not even once. Be strong.

Dental plan

You know those vitamin gummies? The tablets that are provided in soft squishy form that you give to your children because you are working under some delusional belief that aspect was missing from their diet? Well if you have ever given those to your child then you are an inhuman monster. The dentist didn’t technically say ‘inhuman monster’ but as this was a kids dentist and she was dressed like a fairy, I could read between the lines. She was hot as well and between the outfit and the spray-serve we received well, it was totally doing it for me. Who’d have thought passive aggressive dentist/fairy roleplay would be my kink.

Juice has always been the go-to of the parent, adorable sippy cup in the shape of a frog and then fill it with apple juice. For the love of God, don’t do that. Juice is comprised mostly of sugar and in fact it may well have more sugar in it than a comparable sample of soft drink. The qualifier of ‘may’ refers to my basic stance of not bothering to justify any claim with factual information. The fairy, again resting back on her policy of letting us know exactly where we dun fucked up, told us exactly why we fucked up with juice while bouncing around the room in her skimpy costume.

Yes, again!

The one aspect of parenting that I have never quite reconciled myself to is the need to constantly give instructions. I originally showed them how to clean their teeth and bam, my work was done. Or should have been. Even if you put on the toothpaste and stand there watching them, it takes roughly ten seconds for them to stop actively brushing and just to begin gnawing on the toothbrush. And if you don’t stand there watching them they simply stop doing it and just lie about it later. Your children will not be better than mine, well maybe they will, ‘better’ can be empirically measured. Let’s just say they won’t be that much different, no matter what you hope, and as a fairy once told me, always brush your children’s teeth yourself, at least until they are 18.

You can’t put a price on the dental hygiene of your child. Well you can and at this point I would estimate approximately $6k has come out of pocket and they aren’t even 10 years old. Unless you enjoy not being able to afford a boat because of fucking hubris, don’t believe pharmaceutical companies who sell vitamin-lollies (even under a questionable health reasoning), don’t let them drink sugar and make sure you brush their teeth yourself. Also for around $300 you can get your wife her own fairy outfit and some surgical face masks. Luckily for me, the spousal passive aggressive comments I get for free.

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