Office Badgers

Hold my calls, Sue. Shit

is getting real.

People know I’m not going to send a routine “Stephanie is sick today” email around the office yet they persist in calling me directly or bafflingly, asking to be transferred to me from reception. In that instance, they are actively bypassing someone who is helpful and cheerful by nature to reach a point of reference who defends their right not to be bothered like a honey badger woken up from hibernation. With a foghorn. Right in its furry little ear. A bet that little bastard wouldn’t take it with good grace or aplomb either. He would write the shit out of an office wide email.

Good morning, beautiful people

Stephanie will not be in the office today. She wouldn’t expand on the reasons why she is unable to perform her duties but as she sounded a little vague and stilted in her speech I can only assume she is on some really good gear. I know when I am tripping balls the last thing I want to do is come into work. Everyone should take a page from the book of Stephanie and follow these simple rules:

If you are physically ill, stay at home. Your lack of productivity and the potential you will pass what you have on to someone else is almost certain. Additionally, the sound of you coughing and hacking up lungs rings around the office and is really disturbing. Most people are too polite to point this out but really shouldn’t be, you need to be more self-conscious of the disgusting sounds your body makes.

If you are mentally ill, stay at home, or alternatively bottle it up and show to the world a happy, pleasant exterior. Nobody likes a sad-sack.

If you are on the gear, make a decision. If you are going to stare at the screen for three hours, or interrupt other staff members with relentless giggling because you found how hilarious honey badgers are on Youtube, stay at home. Most businesses are pretty progressive nowadays; being gay is awesome, work medical insurance can help you with ‘plan B’ and woman literally wear pants now. We aren’t all there yet though, bosses still tend to get all judgy about midmorning hallucinatory incentives – bear that in mind.

I’m sure Stephanie will be in tomorrow.

He probably wouldn't have a meeting

with HR on Monday.

I am actively working towards a goal where it becomes substantially harder to have a phone conversation with me than to call in sick. Partially because I don’t want to be bothered, partially because I want to encourage participation and productivity but mostly because I don’t want to hear about their problems.

In closing, fuck you Stephanie.

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