Holy fuck, I have been asked to provide guidance on some software changes to our offshore team who we affectionately refer to as the “Inglorious Indian Basterds”. Well I call them that anyway. For some reason our wise management was happy for me to liaise with the ‘Basterds directly, which showed a great deal of faith in me, or in another more accurate way, it showed an uncommon lapse of judgement on their part.
Dear Team India
Thank you for your feedback, we take your comments very seriously and in me you can be rest assured that the firm has provided their best resource to guide you. Well in truth I can’t claim to be the best, but on a good day, at least in the top 20. In any case I will be your guide and champion, like some offended mother goose spreading her wing protectively over a new clutch. If anyone or anything bothers you I will hiss and chase those pricks off the network, honk’n and spitt’n, my solemn word to you: I will fuck them up.
So yes, we recently put through some global migrations to the ledgers and because this is the real world and because our software vendor is like a black hole of stupid, some fixes are required. Before you throw up your hands and call everyone a bunch of thieving cunts for making your work life so much more difficult, for effectively stealing your time, I should warn you: that doesn’t solve anything. I know that because I did the same thing. As your guardian-goose, I am free to offer minor and offhand criticisms during this and all future commentary and right now I feel you are lacking in one important life lesson:
Assume you are about to be fucked over. Assume that in the next minute, hour or week, something will happen which will cause you to throw up your hands and wonder why this and why now. Here’s the crux, God is not real. Your elephant God with the titties isn’t real. This is life and life is cruel. It punishes us for having the gall not just to exist, but to live. You get out of bed and look forward to a bright day? Don’t just expect to be challenged for your own hubris. Demand it, because you are a fucking warrior.
So again, we thank you for the screenshot of the ‘error’ message you provided along with a garbled email that I assume you typed out while having a stroke. Going back to my point above, I recognise the half hour I spent deciphering the message not as karma, but as existence itself challenging me. Well played by young gosling. Well played.
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| Pictured: IT Department Head |
To answer your main question, the error message wasn’t an error at all, it was just a slight change to the wording. As an Australian we have a healthy fear of the unknown, of dark, unknown places where we are expected to place our hands (even if metaphorically). This is because these dark places are full of shit that can kill us (even if metaphorically). I remind you that you are a warrior so click that shit with the confidence of someone born to conquer. If you get bitten, well just ensure you have a good excuse to give to the IT department or at the very least a scapegoat because the IT department has no time for existential excuses about bets between you and the universe. They aren’t normal like us.
There are a few main problems to fix and of course there will be individual challenges in each ledger as well, but I know you have taken my advice from above to heart. You won’t lament when you find these, you will accept them as your due for walking, talking and mastering the fucking electron. Then, knowing you, my young goose-padawan, you will email me a long-winded email which meanders through conflicting statements and questions without reason. But I accept that, because that is my due.
I could explain how to address these main problems, I could even create a “procedure” and document it in the “intranet”. In fact, I should do both of these things because that is what I was asked to do. But what would you learn then? Instead I’m going to offer you exactly the same thing I was provided when I faced these same challenges, jack fucking shit. You pick yourself up and either be the professional you are being paid to be or alternatively find a way to move numbers around and talk fast enough so that it looks like you are, really in this world the only difference between the two is how you sleep at night.
Also let me know if someone is giving you grief here, I will literally stoop down, point out my neck, hiss and bite them right in the groin while flapping my arms around. It’ll be fun.
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