Why do I even turn up anymore?

America started it, but Australia has followed suit and now we have new laws coming into place which discriminate against a very specific cultural element. I’m not going to reflect on the fairness of the situation because, as my children repeat back to me now – fair is where you take a pig to win a ribbon. Let’s just call it the state of the world at the moment and possibly because it doesn’t really affect me too much I was willing to let it slide. Because apparently I am a cold inhuman monster lacking empathy.

It was only when my work came out with a new set of rules that my political indignation became inflamed, I found my empathy and was appalled with just everything. These new rules seemed oddly situational, discriminatory and almost specifically tailored towards a certain demographic at work.

Namely me.

1. Don’t use the large drinking glasses, those are reserved for people who have energy shakes. If for some reason you do use them, say for example you simply don’t give a shit about which fucking glass you are drinking water from, you will receive an email and a formal warning if further infractions occur.
2. Don’t use a coffee mug belonging to someone else. The mugs won’t be marked or in any way identified as having an owner but that is your problem. You will face a long and boring lecture from the owner of the mug and one of the firm partners will later bring it up at a meeting because you (rightfully) told the owner what you thought of their capitalist system of mug designation.
3. Do not discuss the attire of any another employee unless there is an exposed nipple.

4. 

   Damn it, Gary. I swear I will

   hose the smug out of you.

   When you put cutlery into the dishwasher, ensure the knives are pointing downward. Alternatively, when caught changing all the knives in the dishwasher to facing up, don’t raise one hand in a defiant salute, scream “Attica!” and then hide in the bathroom for an hour.
5. When asked to review the updated firm guidelines do not amend the second last clause to say, “In the event of conflicting or confusing guidelines, just do whatever you fucking want. These clowns don’t read anything longer than a sentence anyway.” If the amendment is noticed, do not immediately blame Stephanie.
6. Leadership does not involve bringing a water spray to work and encouraging junior staff to “work harder or it gets the hose again”.
7. There is an established guideline for out of office emails. Copy and paste the content and do not put Stephanie’s personal mobile number for clients to contact in case of emergency of should they need “a good time”.
8. Belcher versus Capital Services isn’t a real court case and quoting the non-existent “exposed nipple defense” will not void a sexual harassment complaint.
9. When asked if you need additional stationary, only request valid stationary items. You are wasting everyone’s time when you ask for, a “bitch’n” helper monkey named Travis, 1000m of 4kg braid fishing line and KY because you and the wife will be getting “freak-nasty” tonight.  Do not further clarify to the receptionist later, “all of them. At once. It’s going to get weird.”
10. The ‘mystery’ of who is constantly stealing the scissors from the binding area and putting them in Stephanie’s drawer will eventually be resolved.

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