My Phone Order ~ Jean-Roge's: Lack of Boundaries

I’ve never had a problem with Telstra. I’ve heard the horror stories sure, but always assumed those people were simply being difficult. That is until now and the following very real phone conversation I had with Telstra:

Me: I’ve been told that my new phone was meant to be delivered, can you please check on the status?

Telstra: Sir the package attempted delivery but you were not home so it was delivered to the closest Post Office.

Me: Righteo which Post Office and what is the address?

Telstra: Glenside, postcode 5065

Me: Thank….wait - isn’t 5065 South Australia?

Tesltra: Yes Sir, the closest Post Office.

Me: I am in Queensland.

Telstra: Yes, I can see from your address.

Me: So the closest Post Office was 2,000 kms away?

Telstra: Yes Sir. Greenhill Road Glenside 5065

Me: Yes you said that already. I think we may have a problem. [At this point in the conversation I naively assumed this was a humorous mishap which would be sorted with good ‘ol customer service]

Telstra: It is right next to Toorak Gardens, Sir.

Me: That is most helpful, but I think you may need to look into why my phone was delivered 2,000 kms from my home.

Telstra: Please hold Sir, I will speak to my supervisor.

Telstra: If you can’t pick up the package in 10 days it will be returned to Telstra warehouse and you will be free to reorder, Sir.

Me: We already established I can’t pick it up because it was obviously delivered to the wrong address.

Telstra: It was the closest Post Office to your delivery address, Sir.

Me: Unless I have mastered time travel, NO IT FUCKING ISN’T. Find me a fucking option that doesn’t involve punishing me for trusting Telstra to be competent. [At this point I got angry]

Telstra: I am sorry, Sir there is no other way.

Me: There ARE other ways. Thousands of other ways. FIND ME A BETTER FUCKING OPTION [Now, angrier]

Telstra: I could send you a new sim and phone as a new order.

Me: Yay! Winner!

Telstra: Which also comes with a brand new phone number.

Me: What? No. Fuck no. Options that don’t involve me having to do anything.

Telstra: Maybe you could pick up your current order.

Me: [Further explosions of rage]

So I got a few points in, mainly for the sheer ferocity and creativity of the language I was using, but Telstra won in the end. I was beaten by ‘the man’ which in this case was an apologetic call centre rep named Caroline.

In other news, I’m flying to South Australia for Easter!