Wife: Did you give the kids Cheetos for dinner?
Me: Cali said YOU told her it was fine.
Wife: ….and you believed her?
Me: She was so convincing! Also, I wanted Cheetos.
Me: Cali said YOU told her it was fine.
Wife: ….and you believed her?
Me: She was so convincing! Also, I wanted Cheetos.
“Cali, these aren’t those kind of stinging Jellyfish, get in
the water and at least pretend you are having fun. You can touch these ones,
see? OH SWEET JESUS IT BURNS! STAY AWAY FROM THE FUCKING JELLYFISH!”
Daycare teacher: I need to talk to you about Oscar.
Me: Uh-huh
Daycare teacher: His behaviour has dropped off this week.
Me: You want me to beat him?
Daycare teacher: ……………………………………………
Me: …because I will.
Me: Uh-huh
Daycare teacher: His behaviour has dropped off this week.
Me: You want me to beat him?
Daycare teacher: ……………………………………………
Me: …because I will.
Incorrect parenting logic: You are not getting Grand Theft
Auto V for the kids so they can “steal a car and cruise for hookers and blow”
Correct parenting logic: How else are they meant to learn about hookers? Are you teaching them? Also it is called ‘boosting’ when you steal a car. And I don’t sound like that.
Incorrect point of order: They are seven fucking years old!
Correct point of order: It is NEVER too late.
Correct parenting logic: How else are they meant to learn about hookers? Are you teaching them? Also it is called ‘boosting’ when you steal a car. And I don’t sound like that.
Incorrect point of order: They are seven fucking years old!
Correct point of order: It is NEVER too late.
Me (while reading paper): So the kids teacher tried to speak
to me at school today.
Wife: What did she want?
Me: No idea. Ran. She didn’t chase so mustn’t have been that important.
Wife: Can you find out next time?
Me: Why? I’m not that fast.
Wife: What did she want?
Me: No idea. Ran. She didn’t chase so mustn’t have been that important.
Wife: Can you find out next time?
Me: Why? I’m not that fast.
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