SBS Food Network: Complaints

Dear SBS Food Network

I am a firm admirer of your work and congratulate you on being the first free to air station to include a channel of literally the only thing that would motivate me to watch free to air television. I should note I have only a limited understanding of when the word ‘literally’ should be applied.

However, as with all consumer driven feedback I have a reservation in my unrelenting praise of your efforts. I believe you have widened your interpretation of the word “food” beyond the right minded. Your programming choices can only be loosely described in that genre which has upset Australia (I assume) and more importantly, me. Imagine there was a show about me sitting on a stool talking about how drunk I got one night and incidentally I kind of remember eating a delicious kebab. That would not be a show about food using a tight definition and has no place on the channel (although given your line-up I reserve the right to take credit for that show if it appears in the near future).

Now that whole paragraph is subjective, admittedly, but more importantly I used ‘loose’ and ‘tight’ without creating an analogy about sexual promiscuity. It shows I am maturing as a person.

To illustrate my point about your current shows I have picked out a few that really stand out as “against brand” to use terminology that might be in marketing vernacular. It sounds pompous and markety enough anyway.

Cutthroat Kitchen:

Not a cooking show.

As an honest question, does anyone watch this show? No, don’t answer that, I don’t think I want to live in a world where that was possible. My story about potentially remembering eating a kebab that may or may or not have existed has more in common with a show on the Food Network than Cutthroat Kitchen. Where the focus is on the pageantry rather than on either the cooking or the food it just makes me sad. In fact any show including judges can follow that line of reasoning as well. I can’t smell or taste along with the judge, why should I care what they think when they don’t even step through the food making process in detail. You could replace the food element with anything and have the same show.

Kids cooking/baking competitions:

Smug precocious child competes in a bake-off (or whatever) with other smug precocious children. These shows make me wonder if it is all pretend or if the show should be renamed “Ways to get kids to be beaten up at school for acting like superior jerks”. Granted, I’m not good with titles. I learn nothing about food and after getting through ten minutes of these shows I question the existence of God, which is literally a bazillion times less hyperbole than warranted.

Chopped/Any other competition:

Also, not a fucking cooking show.

As I mentioned above, the inclusion of judges, even if they are judging food directly, doesn’t increase the foodiness value of any show. In fact, they take away from it. Whether a dish is over or under seasoned is utterly irrelevant when we weren’t shown how much seasoning was added in the first place. Every time I need to listen to a critique from a judge or watch the facial expression of the recipient I am reminded that these people have emotions which turns this into a Soap Opera. The fact I need to remind someone that a Soap opera on the Food Network is not a great idea is disheartening.

Now I have no particular problem with these shows existing in a general sense, what I do have a problem with is the timeslots these are played. All slots between 4:00pm and 10:00pm should be allocated to shows you (but more realistically me) associate with the food shows under my arbitrary definition. A good basic paradigm to follow is an expert stepping slowly through a few food dishes, implying that I have the potential to recreate this at home. I can live with some background on the food or the culture if it doesn’t get in the way of the recipe.

Also, please no more average Joe Schmuck as the presenter (or contestant). I’m a Joe Schmuck and I wouldn’t watch a show about me vaguely cooking or being the vicinity of a kitchen. Why do people, and by association you, insist this is a good thing?

God dammit, is it Thursday again?

I hope you take this as constructive criticism and I am available to consult with SBS further on this if required. I even own a pin-stripe suit so pretty much good to go. I don’t wear it because people kept mistakenly assuming I was in Human Resources and more importantly I kind of got fatter and it doesn’t fit well anymore. So unless it is roleplay night with the wife and we are playing as kinky Human Resources Managers it stays in the cupboard. At your word, and confirmation my absurdly high per hour rates are acceptable, I’ll bring my wisdom to your kitchen table.

Also I congratulate you on the BBQ month programming. I enjoyed the content true, but my enjoyment came mostly from the fact the prime viewing slots weren’t filled with terrible American reality TV in the guise of cooking shows. BBQ month was Shark Week for me. Except it was for more than a week and with far less sharks.

Love to hear from you soon.

JR

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