Relationship Counselling

I gave some marriage advice to someone a little earlier. What that advice was isn’t relevant as the intent was to insinuate that he was doing something wrong in marriage and so to in life in general and so to in everything he was doing at work. Which is kind of passive aggressive when I think about it and something I’m trying to avoid. I just went and apologised to him about that. If I wanted to call him fucking incompetent I should have just come out and said it.

To then reaffirm my new direct approach to management I called him fucking incompetent.

However, upon recollection of the many years that have passed since I originally made my vow to my wife to be faithful (which I have never broken) and she made her vow honour and obey (probably an oversight on her part) I thought I probably could give some useful insight into this whole marriage thing. The very fact I have been married for 15 years makes me overqualified to give advice on this subject in the internet environment anyway. On the other side of the divide exists internet topical experts who only need an inflated sense of worth, a misplaced level of confidence and several hundred ways to begin an article with “I know this isn’t going to make me popular but…”.

So why bother with marriage?

Like looking into a fucking mirror.

Good point, don’t know. In this day and age by the time marriage comes along there shouldn’t be any secrets. Every nook and cranny of your partners physical, intellectual and spiritual being would by now be an open book. Taking a rational and entirely logical approach there is no reason to a continue a relationship at that point. The only rational and logical thing to do as a couple would be to divide and move onto another nook. Then after closing the book there to divide again and move onto another cranny.

And that is the key point about marriage. It makes absolutely no fucking sense but we continue to do it anyway.

Now I admit that is ultimately a guy point of view. I’m not female and I know this comment isn’t going to make me popular but from a female perspective marriage is entirely about rank. I have nothing to reference or back that up with.

How do you make a marriage last?

I alluded to it earlier but after you are married you already know everything about your partner. Should. I stand corrected for anyone rushing into it without that prior knowledge. Spontaneity is great and all but should be reserved for questions like “should or shouldn’t we fuck in the Myer change room while you are trying on that blue dress? No, the one with the light blue stripes on the arm.” as opposed to “Lets sign these legally binding forms!”. I can’t stress the hassle of forms enough.

Later, things got messy.

So after marriage there isn’t much more to learn about your partner and the only rational evolutionary response is to make things freaky. I still find it funny when a couple appears shocked to learn about the sexual habits of another married couple. Of course they do it all as well but they thought they were the only ones. It shouldn’t be a secret. It is a solid truth that every married couple (even your parents) are able to continue through the long years purely because of sexual deviancy. A wedding anniversary isn’t about acknowledging a past date, but serves as a reminder that level of deviancy needs to be turned up again. Kind of like a steam valve but instead of steam there are bodily fluids.

I have nothing but respect and awe for couples who have been married for 50 years. This is nothing to do with the passage of years and everything to do with the amazing things they have done and will continue to do to maintain their relationship. Sexual freaky things. Old people.

So we got married and what we are doing in the bedroom would make a pornstar blush, any pro tips to keep things interesting?

Not really, as it turns out I went about this with gusto but after the first sentence I lost focus and to some extent forgot what I was meant to be talking about. So while I am experienced enough to talk about this I’m just not particular good at it.

He knows. Always time.

Having said that, there are two pieces of advice that will make things easier for you. They likely won’t work for you but again, I’m not trying to be helpful.

• Nobody in history has seriously thought sex would be better with longer pubic hair
• There is always time for more lube.

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