Zen and the Art of Cursing

Well the morning started out terribly. Mostly because I went to bed at 1am and then was woken up by my wife (who went to the gym) and then by someone passing on a moped who had inexplicably set their throttle to a devil-whine that rattled the windows. Many years ago, I grew up on a farm and there was some shrubbery outside my room. These shrubs were home to a whole flock of shrieking devil-birds who only made noise at 6am, a time of day I tried to reserve for sleeping.

I love nature!

I used to lie in bed and mentally roleplay getting out a tennis racket and going man-on-fire on their feathered asses. Don’t get me wrong, I am a morning person but only when I choose to get up early. When my choice is taken away it makes me irrationally furious. Let’s call it what it is: sleep-rape.

So I laid in bed for half an hour, visualising getting a tennis racket and going man-on-fire on the devil-moped sleep-rapist. I’m not sure whether it was my ultra-realistic visualisation techniques or just being hungover but I really needed my wife at that point. For every gym-junkie there is a partner, left alone, who really needs certain attention. I feel for them. (Spoiler: She made up for it later).

Well I can get those at Bunnings. I'm

not stopping the masturbation though.

In any case, there has been rain and storms and neglect so the grass was really high at home. Hindsight would suggest the prior two months of neglect were probably a larger factor but I hate that guy and after 38 years I mentally block his bitching. So I needed to mow, but the mower blades needed replacing because that is what my Dad told me. Don’t get worried, I’m not going to step out the mundane aspects of my day – I hate that sort of thing as much of you. What it does is set the tone: mechanical maintenance and a lack of zen.

Quite often I get the impression my wife really would appreciate a husband who is more useful around the home. She often points out that her friends’ husbands have all built something with their bare hands. They have sweated and manned the shit out of whatever manly thing they were manning. Is husband envy a thing?

Today I used the spanner on the mower a few times and the both of us were pleasantly surprised it started. Neither of us were surprised when a part of the mower fell off half way through the yard though. I trudged around looking for the bolt that held the muffler to the mower and you wouldn’t believe it, right there in my path – this was indeed my lucky day!

Was a little hot. Good point.

“Don’t pick it up”, I should have said,
“It’s from the muffler”, I should have followed up with,
“Probably hot”, I should not have needed to clarify to myself.

“Shit cunt, damn!”, is what I ended up screaming to the neighbourhood as I burned my fingers (I used other words as well, it seems creativity is stirred by immense physical pain). My wife, watching the whole thing, just sighed and went back to her tinder app.

Fuck nature. Fuck the mower and just fuck everything.

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