“It was me - stop talking to the
liquor!” My wife interjected into what was possibly going to turn into a long
and meaningful conversation. “And stop narrating everything” she added.
“Fine, but I’m going to do it
half assed.” I responded, making my point succinctly by pointing at the
unfinished dishes I had left earlier having become bored with the process.
“Good. The status quo is
preserved.” She concluded without looking up.
Is this what married life is for
everyone else I wondered while walking downstairs? “Stop fucking narrating!”,
was her echoing thought that followed me.
Recipe. Such a stupid word. I
wonder where it comes from? Latin it turns out! You know if I didn’t have
google and a healthy supply of ethanol I might have to start looking at the
world, and my place in it, objectively. But I do have them both so fuck that.
Glug glug.
Start with the potato gems. I
recommend the brand on special. Get them on a tray into the oven for 20 minutes
or so. The point is you want the outside crisp, but the inside soft, so don’t
overcook them.
Make some guacamole – chop some
avocado and smash down a little with a fork. Mix it with finely chopped red
onion, a little lemon juice and some salt and pepper. The measurements depend
on what it tastes like. It’s not going to cook, so if it tastes good now that’s
how it’s going to taste later. Make it taste good now.
Chop some tomato. You want it
relatively small, probably quarter the size of the gems is good. If you really
think it is necessary you can peel and deseed them but that would mean I need
to make fun of you. This isn’t cooked either, so make sure the tomatoes don’t
taste like nameless wildlife with urinary tract infections have left their
marks on them – I’m looking at you Coles.
Bacon! Get it, chop it, fry it.
Squares about the size of the tomato cubes.
When the gems are cooked, pile
them up on some kind of ovenproof dish pyramid style. Then sprinkle with cheese
you should have grated already. If you haven’t grated any cheese you really
need to read the full recipe first. Life’s Lesson #8 – you’re welcome.
The cheese is REALLY important.
I use Coon because it has a great taste but equally, no MORE importantly it was
also on special at the time. Use whatever you like - it really isn’t as
important as I made out in that first sentence.
Once the gems are doused with
cheese (don’t be scared, hit it hard) scatter the bacon on as well. Then put it
back in the oven for a bit. Imagine a congealed mass; an unholy amalgamation of
cheese bacon and potato gem, bound together against the wishes of God and the
universe! At least that is what I imagine, maybe just wait until the cheese is
melted if you lack vision.
Once it is out you need to
scatter the guacamole (fuck you spellcheck and fuck that word – I haven’t got
it right once), add the tomatoes and then liberally sling sour cream around it
in whatever manner makes you feel right. Top it all with a little of everything
you reserved for presentation (remember Lesson #8?).
Serve with forks in the middle
of the table and do it like they do on the discovery channel. Although I’m not sure
that Bloodhound Gang song is about eating.
Optionally, or possibly just
forgotten if truth was an aspect of the internet, you can tip over a little
sweet chilli sauce. Adding this ingredient really accomplishes two things: It
probably would have tasted awesome if we had done it and it would piss off the
anti-sugar campaigners who would begin furiously waving around their
pseudo-science at me. [I don’t have a huge problem with them but vocal opinions
like theirs make me think that people in the world aren’t aware of Mario Kart.
Which is sad. - Ed]
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