I’m not a swinging voter or a
rabid support of a single party – I simply don’t care either way. Realistically
you have a whole bunch of underpaid accountants, writers, lawyers and
economists who do all the work and the person you are voting for is irrelevant.
While this is a gross simplification, the process is entirely pointless as a
result. Any group in power is going to end up as a useless committee where the
final flow onto me is watered down by left/right consensus and compromise.
But this isn’t about political
parties or the current system. It’s about how I get irrationally furious about
mild inconveniences.
Waving from the side of the road
For the last month or so we have had the joy of placard carrying political
party members waving at me from the side of the road as I make the awesome
commute to and from work. I made the mistake yesterday of making eye-contact
with one at a set of lights. They proceeded to commence even more frantic placard
waving while I proceeded to find something interesting up my nose. I wasn’t
making a political comment, there was really something up there.
What I want to know is why I
need to be judged by every sign carrying nutjob on the side of the road merely
for picking my nose and just because an election is coming up? While
prostitutes along the road may still judge me, at least they serve a useful
purpose. What purpose do the roadside political advocates serve? Seriously, I
want to know and that wasn’t rhetorical.
There must be some study
somewhere that shows the average driver’s political views can be shifted by
catching partial glimpses of some schmuck holding a coloured sign. There must
be, otherwise they are fucking morons. I can’t help but feel they are
attributing the entire process to the basic advertising tenant of seeing
something x times will convert y people. Which is bullshit.
For anyone ever swayed by the
political road-side-show I wouldn’t just question their right to vote - I would
question their ability to breath without prompting.
Radio & TV advertisements
Let’s make this clear: nobody should run a campaign based on the premise that
the other side is terrible. Unfortunately, that is the system we have. One side
makes necessary decisions and the other side exploits the fact that shit
happens by harping on about it.
I want a candidate standing up
on the television and just admitting that they made some decisions that didn’t
work out. Hell, they could put up their hands and ‘my bad, I fucked up’ their
way out of any situation. It would work too, because we are reasonable people
who accept that people are fallible. However, we have to sit through months and
months of monotonous television and radio advertisements of either side
bitching about the other. And that is all it is, bitching or in a schoolyard
sense, tattling.
That same candidate doesn’t need
to go on about their policies either. As I mentioned already, I don’t care. The
reasonable people behind you will make appropriate decisions and then proceed
to wipe your face, tie your shoes and then point you in the right direction
when you need to walk. Individually you are nothing more than a talking monkey.
Just like the zoo, I like my
monkeys happy and not flinging shit everywhere so stop with the bitching
advertisements. Bad fucking monkey.
The voting booth gauntlet
I have a weird personality trait in that I intensely dislike people who
intrusively invade my personal space and time. My dislike of the person carries
over into whatever product or notion they are spruiking. Someone stops me at a
shopping centre and I now hate Dove face wash, Greenpeace calls and no I will
not give you money and in fact I will make it my personal fucking mission to go
out and stab a whale. I’m funny that way.
The people handing out how to
vote cards are viewed exactly the same. There are only so many polite ways I
can say that I don’t want your card without it turning violent and suddenly I
am the bad one. I don’t want to be here and these clowns are making it worse
for me because having to stare at you for 10 minutes without blinking makes me
as uncomfortable as you.
I will make it clear for you
people: I will vote for whichever party doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable. Now
to someone social inept as myself that equates to you talking to me, looking at
me, hell even seeing you in your coloured shirt. If I walk in to a school and
see a sign (and nothing else) reading “Vote Labor pls. No pressure, all good,
brah” I will hate you for the content but love you for the message. If the sign
is over a table with a bowl of Cheetos you get an extra vote. You see they have
made an effort to understand me and my people.
Anyway, the whole notion of
voting at schools is outdated so I have a better idea: have it at Bunnings. I
can get myself a sausage and probably something hardwareish and if any prick
tries to hand me any sort of voting paraphernalia some Bunnings goon wearing a
green apron will punch them in the stomach.
As a final summary, political
parties aren't doing the right thing to secure my vote. I don’t like pointless endeavours.
I don’t like tattlers and I don’t like being made to feel uncomfortable. Anyone
who campaigns under the theory of anonymity and works under the assumption that
meeting my needs is the greatest thing they can to do is ticking my boxes. Make
poor policy decisions? No problems and probably not your fault. Photographed
snorting coke from a hooker’s chest? We've all been there. I’m voting for your
crazy ass.
Mostly because I want everything
to burn.
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