Today’s new items for the neurotic parent!
CD’s of classical music for sleeping babies (various)
Recent studies have proven that playing Mozart to your child
in their first year dramatically increases the chances of your child being
beaten up at school in later life. Strangely enough, the music has little
bearing on this statistic and it is simply more likely that you will continue
to do useless and embarrassing shit like this well into their teen years. We
don’t feel a need to explain the difference between correlation and causation
to you at this point. CAUTION: Any real intelligence increases in the child
relating to this product are a statistical anomaly.
Testimonial
“After our third kid, we kind of stopped caring. So now we
need this stuff because ‘we’re all out of love’….. Air Supply rocks.” – Susan
Adams (giving devil fingers)
Baby Safe Medico Mat
How many times have you woken up from a shallow sleep,
elbowed your partner and forced him to stumble to the babies room to make sure
it is still alive? Well no more! Using the Baby Safe Medico Mat you won’t need
to wake up again! Mostly because you’ll never sleep again! Using patented
Asshole technology we have made sure this thing will keep you up all night with
false alarms. It’s fucking ridiculous!
Testimonial
“Hahahahaha. Honestly, people buy this shit? No wonder this
country sucks.” – Lisa Edwards
“Buying their gear allows me to indulge in hookers ‘n blow
and totally ignore all my responsibilities!” – Frank Mercer
Baby voice monitors
You know that time of the night when you have just put the
baby down and it’s time for a relax, maybe some harmless groping with the wife
(which leads to nothing because she is tired)? Not anymore! At the Parent
Factory we believe parents have an obligation to run to the child every time it
whimpers in its sleep. Heaven forbid the thing can have a cry for more than a
few minutes without one of you two idiots running to see what is wrong. HINT:
Nothing is wrong! It’s a fucking baby.
Testimonial
“I love everything at Crazy Parent Factory!!!!” – Overeager
chick with large rack
“What? Fuck off.” – Anonymous
Baby video monitors
At the Parent Factory we honestly believe there are two
kinds of people who buy this product. Couples wanting to spice up their
loveless relationship or people who put cameras in neighbours showers as
content for pay-per view websites. Seriously, I just took a poll around the
office and everyone here thought these things were idiotic. However, we’re
fully prepared to sell these to you at highly inflated markups under a
misguided belief they will actualise your chi – or whatever. Wise purchase,
fruitcake.
Testimonial
“Nothing says good parenting like creepy surveillance
equipment.” – Penny Wong
“This shit is legal? I love this country!” –
Leigh Miles
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