The diet is going well. Stage one revolves around being
hungry all the time, angry that the process isn’t happening faster and then
after all that, using any excuse in the world to fuck up whatever good work you
supposedly did for that week by eating a God damned pizza. Stage two and
onwards is exactly the same but the excuses get worse until it morphs into not
even bothering with the excuses anymore and suddenly you are just you again.
It’s as if the process is a metamorphosis, you enter as giant fat caterpillar
and then exit as giant fat butterfly but with gossamer wings made of bitterness
and regret.
Also, I am aware of the health stigma
at the moment about referring to the process as ‘dieting’. Health professionals
are all about reinforcing that it is OK to sit around on the lounge, booze up
and eat fried food until I am more regret than man, as long as it is done in
moderation. That is the point though, I want to do it all the time and limiting
the things I like to an acceptable level is the written definition of a diet
you fucking arseholes. Of course I know how childish that sounds, I’m not blind
to my own faults, just hungry. And really lazy.
 |
| This is how my Xmas will play out. Now I know it exists. |
Since this started off on a dark note, I’ll finish on something
positive. People have been complaining about Xmas for the last few months. “Why
are they advertising Xmas already?”, “Why are they playing Xmas carols in
November” – you know what? Fuck ‘em. This weekend I am putting up the tree,
then all the lights and finishing up with the most festive batch of eggnog that
has ever been made. My wife will sit there and complain that this shit
shouldn’t be done until December and then probably argue that eggnog should
contain something else besides bourbon. I just can’t listen to all this
negativity anymore, it is Xmas time and come Saturday the kids will the decking
the halls and Bon Jovi will be singing carols in the background while I fortify
myself with my ‘noggy jug of Xmas spirit.
We’ll
also probably order pizza.
0 comments:
Post a Comment