Sunday, May 14, 2017

Mother's Day Special

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I am terrible at two important tasks: purchasing gifts and organising anything. Well I can organise things but I tend to then view each participant in the process not as a human, but as a mechanical construct that will do, say or be at a certain place at the right time. As it turns out, I still can’t grasp the concept that humans are free-thinking purveyors of chaos and discord. If anything, I want to be sowing the seeds of chaos and let someone else organise and -they- can develop the ulcer.

So when tasked to organise anything I mentally black it out and then at some point, just when the stress and sheer weight of the obligation is close to crushing a soul that is as weak as a lamington, someone else picks up the job. Which is another way of saying I tend to leave things to the last minute I suppose. Case in point: Mothers Day preparation.

I do believe mothers deserve a day where we can collectively stand back and say ‘you are awesome’. Thanks for the conception, the birth was probably fun as well and kudos for all that raising us jazz. I just have no faculty inbuilt for me to vocalise that though.

A dramatisation. But accurate.
My own mother is geographically distant. If she was local I would have taken her to golf to refresh her on the fact I have very limited physical skills and no actual golf skill but can be extremely inventive with new phrasing when that fucking ball doesn’t go straight. Since that isn’t the case, I give her a call and between the short clipped sentences I assume she can feel a sense of my appreciation. It’s probably vague but it is as heartfelt as I can possible accomplish. Soul like a lamington, remember?

The new problem is my wife is also a mother. And on Mothers Day morning, having left any preparation to the last second I found myself caught out needing to come up with something quickly. Which I did as a team with someone who also left things late and I think we pulled it off pretty well. If you were curious about the thought process, the skype excerpt below summarises it nicely.

Greg didn’t want his name showing so I ‘replaced all’ with Not-Greg.

[14/05/2017 7:44:23 AM] Not-Greg: What is the plan?
[14/05/2017 7:45:08 AM] Jean-Roge: Going to scratch myself and play Overwatch.
[14/05/2017 7:45:12 AM] Not-Greg: ….for mothers day.
[14/05/2017 7:45:26 AM] Jean-Roge: Oh. Weren’t we going to a winery?
[14/05/2017 7:45:33 AM] Not-Greg: Raining. Wet. Kids. Wolfsuits.

[14/05/2017 7:46:18 AM] Jean-Roge: So, options?

[14/05/2017 7:46:22 AM] Not-Greg: One step ahead. Melt brothers.
[14/05/2017 7:46:24 AM] Not-Greg: http://meltbrothers.com.au/
[14/05/2017 7:46:51 AM] Jean-Roge: Done. They will love it.
[14/05/2017 7:47:15 AM] Not-Greg: You didn’t open the link did you?
[14/05/2017 7:47:30 AM] Jean-Roge: I made an assumption! Didn’t I just say I was in the middle of two important tasks that required my full attention? 
[14/05/2017 7:48:02 AM] Not-Greg: It is closed on Sunday. Fuck this state. How about bowling?

[14/05/2017 7:49:19 AM] Jean-Roge: OK, but let’s face it, we are going to be drinking. “Yaaaay mothers day!! Wooooooo! Bowling!” we will tell the wives at some point as they mother their asses off with angry bored midgets. While I am sure that is exactly what mothers day is meant to be about, I am also pretty sure they may view it as an obligation.
[14/05/2017 7:49:30 AM] Jean-Roge: You know, because they aren’t as good at parenting as us.

[14/05/2017 7:50:10 AM] Not-Greg: That is probably realistic.
[14/05/2017 7:50:15 AM] Not-Greg: What are the other options?
[14/05/2017 7:50:19 AM] Not-Greg: Stop fucking playing and help!

[14/05/2017 7:50:25 AM] Jean-Roge: I have been scouring the internet looking for ideas.

14/05/2017 7:50:34 AM] Not-Greg: You aren’t even trying to lie well anymore.

[14/05/2017 7:51:07 AM] Jean-Roge: Well I died and we lost. You now have my full attention.
[14/05/2017 7:51:43 AM] Jean-Roge: Send them to get lapdances, whatever they are called, the non-porn style facials from little Asian ladies at the shopping centre?

[14/05/2017 7:53:41 AM] Not-Greg: Manicure and pedicures? That could work. Bring the kids and come over, we’ll parent from home and give them the gift of free time.

[14/05/2017 7:54:24 AM] Jean-Roge: So we are going to be drinking afterall?

[14/05/2017 7:54:52 AM] Not-Greg: Yes, but under a completely honourable pretence. This way I don’t lose the moral high ground.

[14/05/2017 7:55:36 AM] Jean-Roge: Well, if the afternoon is set for drinking I may be unavailable for marital duties later on in the evening. So AFK to see if quality time can be brought forward.
[14/05/2017 8:12:04 AM] Jean-Roge: Back.

[14/05/2017 8:12:38 AM] Not-Greg: She said no?

[14/05/2017 8:13:09 AM] Jean-Roge: No, it happened.
[14/05/2017 8:13:15 AM] Jean-Roge: Quantity not quality.

[14/05/2017 8:13:26 AM] Not-Greg: Wow.

[14/05/2017 8:13:51 AM] Jean-Roge: What?

[14/05/2017 8:15:16 AM] Not-Greg: She is so lucky to have you. Happy mothers day, Leanne.


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