Vacation Care

Once a year I graciously offer myself to my wife as a viable alternative to school vacation care. Yes that means I am using up my annual leave hours, of course it means I am denying myself the mental and social rewards that come from work but that is the kind of guy I am.   Selflessly I will do whatever is required to babysit her offspring. Also because I’m an awesome guy in general, I’m totally happy to have any other parent

drop off their own to add to the numbers. This is partially because kids, unlike cats, are vastly more manageable in a group and also partially because of that point times a million.

However with this offer comes a list of minor terms that need to be agreed upon with the parents before I become a similar figure to their own offspring, albeit for a limited time. I hesitate to use the word ‘rules’ to define these minor points just as I hesitate to use the words ‘care’ or ‘competence’ when I define the type of arrangement I am offering.

The donor parent agrees:

1.       All food must be provided and any dietary considerations brought to my attention. Your food will not be used but I will hold up your irrational biases against wheat, sugar and McDonalds as an example to the other children of bad parenting thus I become the cool parental figure they obviously need.

2.       All children will be fed entirely on things that ensure they are full, heavy and pliable, making my role so much simpler. Mostly hamburgers and anything fried or with the word ‘fried’ in it. Also milkshakes. There will be no sugar because I don’t want them to be all hyped up and potentially faster than I am.

3.       Not only will there be two televisions playing an accumulated Netflix offering of seven million hours but also a Playstation and Nintendo with unlimited potential to fill their EVERY moment without bothering me. Use of these appliances wont simply be encouraged, it will be mandatory. To ensure compliance there will be tests on Pokemon after each three hour viewing block.

4.       There will be shopping centre outings that could occur without warning, possibly timed when children start talking above a whisper or more likely timed whenever one of the little bastards eats all my cheese doodles. I enforce seatbelts but if there aren’t enough then the smaller children will need to hunker down in the boot.

5.       Each child will be provided as many lollipops as possible – I know, sugar, but a crucial aspect of being a cool parent is changing rules whenever I fucking want.

6.       At some point I’m probably going to order pizza.

7.       I’m totally against smoking and do not allow smoking in the house. However if for some reason one of the children happens to bring cigarettes and another kids eggs them on to give it a try, well I cannot intervene. A dare is a dare, but mad props to the kid - smoking still looks cool.

8.       The hour in between 1pm and 2pm will be set aside as the time to refresh our vitamin D outside the house. Unless it is raining or we can’t be bothered – I’ll leave it up to the children.

9.       We will play Dungeons & Dragons at some point which will likely upset both D&D purists and also those that have an unwarranted fear of the occult. Loosen up people, my campaign (where the evil wizard Dolph the Flatulent and his sidekick Wendy, the special needs centaur need to be stopped by a group of brazen adventurers) has never hurt anyone.

10.   Happy hour begins at 5:00pm. Any children who remain past that point will be taught how to mix a cocktail and how to set a bitchn’ cheese platter.

To ensure a complete understanding between all the parties involved I will need a signature under the following statement:

I <Parent Name> acknowledge that my child <name of child> has been left in the capable care of Jean-Roge and I hereby confirm I have read the list of terms and agree to be bound by them. I waive all rights to be indignant or upset about anything at any future point. Furthermore, Jean-Roge is an awesome guy in general.

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