Application: Graduate Accountant

Dear Sir/Madam

I am applying for the Graduate Accountant job you got going. This is going to get real and I shit you not, you will be blown over by what I have for you, so take a seat and strap on in.

Firstly, you don’t know what you want, I know what you want. So, I’m not going address your “key position criteria”. This may sound like overconfidence, and I forgive you for thinking that, but the reality is that I get shit done and you need me. Here is why:

• - The best thing about what I bring is that I get along with people, you know. Christ people can piss you off, right, and the easier option is to just get in their face. Everyone has it hard, man, I get that, and every person will be at some point a downright cunt. What you get with me is that I get in their heads and I don’t fight against them, I fight beside them, because everyone needs that homie to have their back.
• You want time management? Well, I raised my brothers and sisters while my mother started box chardonnay at 6am and did tricks to fund her meth addiction. I put warm food on the table and had everyone on the morning school bus for 10 years. They didn’t ever miss a day of school or a meal on my watch. I don’t just manage time, I own it.
• You want skills? You want maths? You want out of the fucking box thinking? We didn’t have much growing up, but we always had pens, paper and imagination. Dungeons & Dragons isn’t just some nerd game anymore. It is no secret that when you are up against a Dragon that you learn to calculate numbers in your head real damn quick. To mentally scan through a textbook size list of rules and then to determine when to hit hard, to hang back or when to get out – man, it’s about risk and probability. D&D isn’t just an analogy for the business world, it is the business world and I am God.
• I have a degree, sure, but it ‘aint some kind of gospel. University teaches people “how” to learn, nothing more. Shiiiiit, I had taken up that memo before I was ten.
• When you get me, you get some pretty choice add-ons as well. You want an App designed? I can code that gear, so I got that tech stuff down. You want to sort someone out with some serious lines? I can write up some serious rhymes. I play golf, I read books and I cook like a mofo. Best of all I can back up with action, I don’t believe in just telling you, with me you get results. My word, bro.

You got my resume attached and I concede that the bitch is light, man, I get that. But it is God’s truth and I am young. Give me this chance, give me three years and I will help you turn something good into something great. Because I know I can and when I set a target, I fucken murder it.

Peace

Leonard “Diamond” Chan
CPA (Associate), Asian